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The Things We Do
Running in Molasses

At least monthly, someone hands me something to read when I don't have my reading glasses on...so I pretend to read it. Why do I do it? I don't know. Maybe to let them know their effort wasn't wasted; i.e., I'm paying attention, I'm with ya' - even if I can't see any of it. They could be handing me a page of expletive descriptions about my personality, I wouldn't know it. I'd be standing there, nodding, smiling, seeming to say "You're right. I really am a *!#$%. Moreover, I appreciate you noticing it!"

Or maybe it's just my ego...like a test, Can You See Me Now? Sure I can! Not.

People do a double-take when I put on my glasses - and it's not a good double-take either. I immediately become geekier, what with the glasses perched on my nose. Most people say they make me look older. Well, I AM older. I had my first run-in with myopia at 40, right on time. I remember my astonishment when just after my 40th birthday, I picked up a card to read it - and couldn't see a thing. I ran off to the Dollar Store and started trying on readers. I quietly found a pair that rewarded me with sight, and almost ran out of the store. Little did I know that there were so many more purchases of readers to come! Readers get lost, and you can't find them without having them on. Readers get broken, especially by new reader-wearers. We sit on them, we lean against them, we tuck them in our shirt collars and hug someone fiercely - only to hear the crack as the plastic glass breaks. We stick them in drawers, in our sun visors, purses and jacket pockets, so we'll always have a pair - then can't find any of them. Every one I know who wears reading glasses has at least 3 pair.

At first I wouldn't wear them in public - or in private if anyone else was there. I refused to admit that I could no longer see the words on the page, the menu, read the Birmingham Weekly, a newspaper or book. As my friends suddenly became older and all started wearing theirs in public, I succumbed and joined the over-40-reader-wearing group. Now we all sit in restaurants like a fraternity or sorority of reader-wearers. We all pat our cell phones to make sure we stay in touch, and we all pat our reading glasses to make sure we can see what we touch.

Where did the words go? Let me find one of my many pair of reading glasses, and I'll get back to you.

It was a Friday morning, and I was in a hurry to get to today’s doctor’s appointment. I have a lot of them and have found that the sooner I get there, the sooner they’re over and I can get on with my day. It’s the best way I know to deal with them.

The Kirklin Clinic is a wonderful place, full of great people who work there, as well as us lonely souls who visit there to make sure we’re still doing okay.

It is my habit to spin around the parking lot pretending I’m in a movie. Go 20 feet, take the first curve right, go 40 feet, take another right, onto the 50 yard straightaway, then another right, and on I go until I find “my place”. I’m picky about my parking space. I want to be near the elevators, and optimally no higher up than the 3rd floor. That doesn’t always happen, and I have ended up on the roof before finding “my place”. During my spin up to the top, I watch other drivers.

There are the first timers, creeping along unsure of where that next turn is going to be – even though it’s in the same place as on the previous floor they just traversed.  There are the speed demons, flying along at a pace that even frightens me. You can hear their tires squeal as they take each turn. I keep waiting for one of the first timers to pull out in front of one of the speed demons. At least they’ll be in the right place for the medical attention they’ll both need.

Then, there are the oblivious. They park their cars right smack dab in the middle of one of the runways and head inside, forcing us other drivers to go around them. Or, they’ve pulled halfway in and called it real. While the speed demons should be wary, the first timers don’t even notice – it’s all new to them.

I smile while I take my right turns. This is a microcosm of life.

And just like life, this morning my parking deck throws me a curve. I’m already up to the 5th floor – so I have 5 floors of sequential right turns behind me, I’m thinking I’m almost (surely) to my place. But just as I round the turn, I come to a slow-down, then a crawl, and then I give up and just stop. There is an older couple, on foot, taking their time heading away from the elevators, (to their car? It’s hard to tell) right up the middle of my runway. They are talking to each other, their hands even occasionally touch as they smile and walk. They’re not in a hurry, even as the cars start to press in behind me. This couple has done what no amount of security, cameras, guards, and valet park-ers has been able to do: make everything come to a grinding halt. And they have no clue, no cares, and no concerns. I truly believe they’re having a lovely day…while all of us wait, and watch.

Eventually, and I mean as in 6 or 7 minutes later, they clear the middle of the path. I didn’t see their “destination”; they were just out of the way so I moved on. They never turned to acknowledge the traffic snarl; they did not wave and apologize. They never even knew we were there! This couple was completely blissfully ignorant. And I was a little proud. The cars had ended up in a line farther than I could see in my rearview mirror, and yet no one; not one single person had blown their horn.

I was also envious. In this time of high anxiety, stress, and “bad times”, these two older, smaller wonderful people had unknowingly reminded every one of us to relax, and wait for a few minutes.  I cruised up the remaining floor to my place. I parked and walked a little more slowly than usual to the elevator, hoping to enjoy my day half as much as they had enjoyed theirs.

• If you sow selfishness and greed, you reap poverty...and it can impact the whole world.

• "The Universe", "Source", "The Is", "Infinite Wisdom", "Higher Self" - are all so much harder to type than "God".

• The issues I blast myself about (or celebrate my knowledge of) are usually part of all of our collective experiences.

• I may not make or keep New Year's Resolutions, but that doesn't stop me from appreciating New Beginnings.

• People need to vent...and I need to sit silently and listen without prejudice or principles.

• Who You Know and What You Know are to be enjoyed in their season.

• Each of us is worthy; each of us is deserving; each of us has every right to believe in ourselves.

• Relaxing is healthy exercise.

• Reading expands the mind; tossing books that don't speak to me is empowering.
  

When I was on the road as a traveling salesperson, my least favorite part was the packing. Every Sunday night I packed for the following week, and sometimes I had to pack everything from short sleeves and shorts, to thermal underwear and coats, depending on the time of year and how many cities were on my agenda.

I’ve been in off the road for a long time, and the longer I manage to live, the more I have noticed something: living in Birmingham is a lot like traveling.

First, there’s the ever-changing weather. Any given Monday, year-round, the weather can be forecast for 70 degrees. December - 70 degrees; January, sure 70 degrees; March and April – no surprise there, we can count on a 70 degree day. The problem is the next day. The next day may boast a high of 32 with snow flurries. Don’t believe me? Check next week’s forecast.

I was talking with my California resident brother a couple of weeks ago. He asked me what the weather was like, and I said, “oh, hasn’t been above freezing all day.” He said, “Oh, Yuck!" I said, “The weird part is that yesterday it was 73 degrees.”  His surprise was funny as he said, “you guys went from 73 to 32, in a 24-hour period?” Oh, yeah, just life in Birmingham. If I remember correctly, it was two days later that we had tornadoes.

The second analogous to traveling issue is the variety of people we have in the Magic City. Anyone who watched the Hillary Clinton Town Hall Meeting saw a very stereotypical “good ole’ boy” representing Birmingham with a question. Just over his right shoulder was a shirt and tie businessman, and in the background, was one of our homegrown top 40 recording artists. There it was, on my tv, the various faces of the Magic City. We see them every day, in our population of transplants from the North, and immigrants from the South. We see them in our large German, Hispanic, Chinese, Jewish, Lebanese, Italian, and Hindu cultures, all very well represented here in Birmingham. We are white, and we are black, and we are brown and yellow, and we have accents varying from blue-blood Southern to Appalachian, and “Yankee”, from Spanish to Indian.

You drive from one end of the greater metropolitan statistical area to the other, and you easily feel as if you’ve been around the world in a day.

Some people complain about the variety; I say, variety good! I gladly welcome anyone to my Country or my City and look forward to speaking with them (in English). As they become citizens, they bring exciting new food and dance, art and music to our country. If you don’t care for illegal immigrants, stop hiring and paying them under the table to save yourself money. Give people incentive to become citizens, and I believe most would proudly comply. Give them a place to learn English, and put them on your payroll, and let them experience the joys of taxation that accompany being American.

To all the citizens of the Magic City, thank you for the diversity! And here’s a tip: the same items, and some variety, are found in the “foreign” grocery stores we have around Birmingham…and they’re often less expensive. The store-keepers are friendly, and always have something to introduce to you.
Check it out, and travel the world without ever leaving the Magic City.

I learned a new word today, “Pentimento”. Isn’t that a great word? Just rolls off your tongue! It means, according to the dictionary, “noun: An underlying image in a painting, as an earlier painting, part of a painting, or original draft, that shows through, usually when the top layer of paint has become transparent with age.” Well of course that got me thinking about the pentimentos of my own life. Now that I’m just young, instead of oh-so-young (ha!), I have found that there are things I was afraid to show the world about me…until now.

There’s a freedom in not giving a rat’s tail what others think about you. There are bold possibilities when you realize, as an attorney once told me, “whatever they do, they won’t eat you;” and that usually, what we try so hard to hide is pretty obvious any way. I bet you’re waiting on some kind of confession to follow here – nope, sorry to disappoint, but if you want to know my pentimentos, you would have just had to have known me long enough. Besides, whatever I choose to tell you about me, you can also choose to disbelieve.

Instead, this is a challenge to escape your molasses. Be who you are, and happy to present yourself in all situations. Think about what has been revealed to you about yourself, and then share it. Richard Bach wrote, “Live as if whatever you do is going to be published around the world for all to see.” With You Tube, and cameras on every corner, these days that statement has even more truth for today. In fact, I challenge you to think about the most embarrassing thing you have ever done in your life. Then, go to Google, or You Tube, or whatever your favorite source, and type it in. Go ahead, try it now, and I’ll wait. Did you see that? The video of the guy doing something even worse? Truly, “published for ALL the world to see”? At least only friends, or maybe even only you, witnessed your disparaging moment. And whoopy-do-dah anyway... laugh!

But what, you say, do I do now? Your discourse about all the cameras has made me paranoid. My answer is to laugh along with the rest of the world if you get caught on camera, and make sure they spell your name right. It will pass; people do funny - sometimes embarrassing - things all the time. Pretty soon, whoever’s clicking on you will move on and click on something else. And know this: when you “See Yourself” at MagicCityMoments.com, we will present ONLY the best you. If we are all very lucky, your pentimentos will also be visible.

  My day was finished, and as I practiced my daily habit of reviewing the day, I flipped on the TV, and there they were: Drug Commercials. I watched one hour of television and was exposed to 16 commercials, at approximately 2 minutes each. Thirty-two minutes of advertising - during a one-hour program that actually only lasts 28 minutes - and the vast majority were commercials for pharmaceuticals…prescriptions.

  I don’t always “go” when I need to, and I’m excited to report there’s a pill for that: Vesicare, for your internal plumbing! And if you swing into overdrive with your “going”, take a look at Detrol LA, when you “gotta go right now” and just don’t want to. Or, for “guys who want to spend more time having fun and less time in the restroom”, try Flomax! (But don’t let your favorite female handle it; it can cause birth defects!)

 If you don’t have to “go, gotta go, gotta go right now…” then you may have two problems, and there’s ONE pill for that, Caduet. Course, it may cause blurred vision, and simple blood tests will determine if you have liver problems, but what the hay? You’ll knock out two other problems, whatever they were!

  But “the leading prescription can take more than a day to work”, you say. They have a suggestion for that: try “1 Pill a Day” and make sure that pill is Prilosec!

  Let’s not forget we can always log onto Liberty’s website; they promise to “help you live better” – and God knows, we all want that! I mean for cryin’ out loud, Wilford Brimley’s gotta be in his 80’s; it’s obviously helping him live better, or at least longer.

  These commercials show extremely attractive people, who live in beautiful homes and have permanent smiles on their face…could it be Botox, or are they just much happier after taking their pill?

 Why, Sally Fields only takes one pill a month with Boniva! And look at her home in the background of the commercial! She has an empty bird cage, her Bowflex machine, which surely is a regular part of her routine, and she has girlfriends who have to take a pill every day! Listen to Sally, she’s the mother of 5 on Brothers & Sisters, and looks incredible. Boniva must be working for her!

  If this bombardment of pharmaceutical commercials doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, there’s always Restasis, which “increases tear production”. You should try that. Side effect is burning and itching of your eyes, but the burning won’t bother you, what with all those drug-induced tears of joy streaming down your face!

  And if you feel cheated out of 32 minutes of your favorite show, as I did, take an Imitrex; guaranteed to induce quick relief from migraines!

  I will schedule an appointment to “ask my doctor” about all these meds. While I’m at it, I’m going to ask him his thoughts on cable theft, and direct him to their website at cabletheft.com, just because they were kind enough to give me a break from worrying about what pill to pop.

  Not to be defeated, I turned the TV off and enjoyed a commercial-free music cd, took my daily pills, and went to bed; dreaming about starting a real war on drugs.

This 'n That is a collection of thoughts from the editor of MagicCityMoments.com. They do not necessarily reflect the views that are expressed elsewhere in this website, they reflect the views from the other side of the screen.

Many thanks for The Binion Opinion, The McComb Connection, Collaboration with Open Spaces, and Understanding expressed by Jennings & Co. Fitts for Life and GB also deserve special thanks!

I couldn't do it without you, nor would I want to -

JB

A Moment I’d Like to Have Back

  My home was built in 1928. A time when the country was experiencing the “Roaring 20’s”, and everyone was supposedly having a “gay old time”. I don’t know about that, from what I've read things were a little lean at my house. I researched the title, utilizing the excellent references at the Linn Henley Research Library downtown. Sidebar: if you haven’t visited the library this month, or this year, you don’t know what you’re missing!

  My house is a cottage, built for use, in Birmingham’s first neighborhood, Avondale.

  The municipality of Avondale came about in 1880, from Mr. Peyton King.  The balance of the 400+ acre farm makes up what is now Avondale. In 1880, the park was established, and in 1887, they began building and selling homes here. Avondale was a very popular area, as home prices were good, and the water supply was excellent. At that time, most of the City of Birmingham acquired its drinking water from the perpetual springs at Avondale. The community is anchored by Avondale Park, a beautiful park still, with 40 acres surrounding the natural springs, a clean, spring-fed pond in the center, and a natural amphitheatre. In 1908, Andrew Carnegie, yes of the New York Carnegies, donated Avondale Library, the first library in Birmingham. Avondale Park was also the home of Birmingham’s first zoo.

  During the 1920’s, my home – a two bedroom, one bath cottage, was a boarding house for the craftsmen working in Birmingham, hence the term “Craftsman Bungalow.” Both bedrooms, and the kitchen were rented out, and the renters got their meals elsewhere. They gathered in the living room around the coal-burning fireplace, and the garages for the renters were separate structures in the backyard, lined up in a row down the cobblestone alley. The original cobblestones are still visible, and the garages have been replaced by my neighbor’s backyard.

  There was also parking available in the basement. Cars were small, then, and there was actually a two-car garage in what I refer to as my “workroom” downstairs. Access to one of the garages was from the alley, the other garage was accessible by driving under what is now my deck.

  I love to sit and imagine these people. They paid $20 each month for their space, and someone planted a huge oak in the front yard. I have a photo of the house from 1935, which shows the tree when it was just a little baby.  The oak came down on my car during Ivan in 2004; and while I mourn yet another dent (or two) in my jalopy, I mourn the loss of the tree more. About a month ago, the city cut up the stump, and the mulch is now in my flower gardens.

  The photo shows the garage out back, and I can still see where the garage doors were in the basement. The old coal chute for the fireplace is also down there, while I have replaced the fireplace itself with a vent-free gas unit. I don’t know if the renters utilized ceiling fans, but I have them in every room…it seems timely. The hardwood floors, original to the house, are the skinny-slats, which  Jenn-Clean did a beautiful job refinishing for me.

  I also purchased the closest thing to a coffee pot from that time that I could find. I don’t drink coffee, but it looks at home on the stove. I have added cabinets to the large but formerly sparsely furnished kitchen, since I won’t be using it as a bedroom.

  The “newest” furniture I have in the house is from the 50’s, a Dutch modern sofa, with two matching recliners. The rest of my furniture is antique, resulting from days spent at antique shops and folks’ back yards, scrounging around for the best deals.

  The desk I sit at to work on MagicCityMoments is an 1880’s Parsons Desk, with the rigid lines and stoic wood treatment. It was a gift, as was the 1897 Writers Desk where I pay my bills.

  As I have slowly but surely worked my way through, room by room, with friends who paint, and my super-woman sister who indulges me, the house has taken shape. I have achieved the look from way back then.

  It’s a Moment I Enjoy Now, visiting with the folks from the 1920's, and their “Moment I’d Like to Have Back”!

Visit the Birmingham Library at www.bham.lib.al.us, drop by any location, and see what you can find out -
 

A Moment I'd Like to Have Back 

  I saw God today in the supermarket. Yeah, it was cool. We both reached for the American cheese slice packages at the same time.

Me: "Gee, I'm sorry, excuse me."
God: "So how much are they? I guess they're not gonna tell us, huh?"
Me: "Nope, we're on our own."

  Just then, the manager came over and told us that tomorrow these cheese slices would be $1 off. Of what, we still don't know.

Me: "Aw, man, I want a sandwich today."
God: "Well, you can spend an extra dollar today, or you can spend $4 in gas tomorrow coming back."
Me: "Good point. I believe I'll take my cheese today."
God: "Good idea. No need to buy into the hype."

  God stood a few feet away, while I checked out the frozen french fries. I could feel Him watching me; I hadn't yet realized who He was.

God: "So, how are your legs feeling?"
Me: "Oh, they're alright." He was referring to my use of the cane.
God: "I'm glad you're okay."
Me: "Thank you, and thank you. I'm very grateful."
God: "I know. You know you'll see me again soon, right?"
Me: "Yes sir. And I look forward to it. I enjoyed it."
God: "Me too. As always."

  God sauntered off, grabbing some mini chocolate pies, and lemon pies, and apple pies that were on sale. I smiled and watched Him go. He looked to be a young 80. He had a wrinkle-free face, with a warm smile. He had on a ballcap, and khaki pants, and comfortable shoes. And, I felt blessed to be in His presence...while I did a little shopping.

Running in Molasses
From Paycheck to Pump

  Ahhhh, we never know what we have until it's gone, do we? Just a couple of months ago, we could all continue our "ritual" of living paycheck to paycheck. Now, however, we find ourselves living paycheck to pump. The corner grocery store by me even allows customers to cash their paychecks - to pay for their gas. I see it every other day. Big guys in workclothes, little women in high heels walk in and say "I had $54 on Pump 3", and hand over their check....

  Like we didn't have enough decisions to make. Groceries or the rent? My prescriptions or my mortgage? Toss one more ball into the juggle: Gas or walk?

  Here in Birmingham, chances are we are not going to walk. Some of us ride DART, some will take the bus, some will dust off their bicycles or hitch a ride with a friend. BUT WE DO NOT WALK. My solution? I am going to buy a Vespa. Yes, one of those cute mini motorcycles, with a saddlebag on the back. It will take 8 gallons of gas, so (ugh!) $24 to fill up, and then I will be zoom-zoom-zooming around the Magic City to take pictures, while everyone laughs themselves silly at me. Laugh away! I will giggle in return when I pass you at the gas station - three times to my one fill-up.

  At this particular moment in my life, I really truly wish I could "Run ON Molasses"!

-ed., MagicCityMoments, Inc.